Area Founder Spends 14 Hours This Week Planning Podcast That Will Definitely Launch "Once Things Slow Down"

DENVER, CO — Local startup founder David Park has reportedly devoted significant mental bandwidth this week to conceptualizing his future podcast empire, meticulously planning everything from potential guest lists to merchandise designs for a show that he admits will probably start "sometime after we close Series A and the team

Area Founder Begins Every Email With "Hope All Is Well" Despite Mounting Evidence to Contrary

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Local startup founder Marcus Chen has reportedly begun opening all business correspondence with the phrase "Hope all is well" this week, a linguistic choice that colleagues describe as "increasingly concerning" given his company's current financial situation and the fact that his

AI Company Hires Its First Human Employee After Mounting Political Pressure

PALO ALTO, CA — Following months of congressional hearings and public outcry over workforce diversity, leading AI company NeuroMax Industries announced Tuesday that it has hired its first human employee, 34-year-old Joe Matherson of Sunnyvale, California. "We're thrilled to welcome Joe to our all-artificial team,

Area Founder Gets LinkedIn Request From Potential Acquirer

CLEVELAND, OH — Local tech entrepreneur Marcus Whitfield reportedly spent 47 minutes crafting the perfect "thanks for connecting" message after receiving a LinkedIn request from someone whose bio mentioned "M&A Advisory" and "Strategic Partnerships," sources close to the increasingly desperate founder confirmed Tuesday.

Area Founder Does Product Demo, Product Inexplicably Functions as Intended for First Time in Company History

AUSTIN, TX — In what industry experts are calling a "statistical impossibility," local startup founder Derek Holloway successfully demonstrated his company's AI-powered scheduling assistant to potential investors yesterday without the software crashing, generating racist poetry, or attempting to order 40,000 bananas from a Korean grocery

Forbes Announces Its 10 Under 10 List of Most Influential Toddlers and Kindergarteners

NEW YORK — In a groundbreaking expansion of its prestigious annual rankings, Forbes magazine today unveiled its inaugural "10 Under 10" list, celebrating the business world's most innovative and disruptive minds who haven't yet reached double digits in age. "These young visionaries are already

Area founder has meeting with early stage venture firm, tells co-founders the meeting went "really well"

Mike Roma, the founder of chatbot startup NVRMESSAGEME, left his two hour meeting with a Menlo Park early stage venture firm brimming with hope and optimism. Mike stated "wow, I've never been in a room with so many highly engaged venture folks. They literally wouldn't

Tix sold out for inclusive event Burning Man

Part 1 of an 8 Part Series - Prepping for Burning Man As Crunch Valley prepares to send investigative reporters into the "inclusive," "decommodifying" retreat for the white and wealthy, we will be profiling one veteran party goer every month to get a sense of the what

Breaking news: Noe Valley Coder Resumes Soylent Diet

Raj Hindenburg couldn’t help but think that consuming real food kept making him crash and burn. So, he’s taken to Task Rabbit to dial up three month’s worth of flavorless mush to consume. “Every time I shared a meal with other people, I just got creeped out

Oculus Rift Set to Help Clean Up Bay Area Streets

Oculus Rift developers today announced a new program to give Bay Area Oculus Rift owners the appearance of a middle class and a social safety net. “We worked with Pokemon and Google Maps to let people wear their Oculus headsets in San Francisco and they can walk through the Tenderloin

PhD Founder and Chief Technology Officer Cannot understand why “f*cking idiots” don’t see the value in his technology

Rueben Kushner the founder and CTO of spinout.io cannot discern why prospective customers keep passing on his technology. “Look, the economics are there, our proprietary technology can save companies millions. I don’t know why these f*cking idiots are not buying it. At first I thought it was

Newly Created Accelerator Executive Team Scours Star Trek: TNG Re-runs for The Perfect Accelerator Name

With most of the gibberish names taken for existing accelerators, the executive team of The Valley’s latest faux business fostering entity is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation re-runs to find a name. “Amil used to run lunch-and-learns at MIT’s DeltaV, and Joan successfully bankrupted