Forbes Announces Its 10 Under 10 List of Most Influential Toddlers and Kindergarteners

NEW YORK — In a groundbreaking expansion of its prestigious annual rankings, Forbes magazine today unveiled its inaugural "10 Under 10" list, celebrating the business world's most innovative and disruptive minds who haven't yet reached double digits in age. "These young visionaries are already

Area founder has meeting with early stage venture firm, tells co-founders the meeting went "really well"

Mike Roma, the founder of chatbot startup NVRMESSAGEME, left his two hour meeting with a Menlo Park early stage venture firm brimming with hope and optimism. Mike stated "wow, I've never been in a room with so many highly engaged venture folks. They literally wouldn't

Tix sold out for inclusive event Burning Man

Part 1 of an 8 Part Series - Prepping for Burning Man As Crunch Valley prepares to send investigative reporters into the "inclusive," "decommodifying" retreat for the white and wealthy, we will be profiling one veteran party goer every month to get a sense of the what

Breaking news: Noe Valley Coder Resumes Soylent Diet

Raj Hindenburg couldn’t help but think that consuming real food kept making him crash and burn. So, he’s taken to Task Rabbit to dial up three month’s worth of flavorless mush to consume. “Every time I shared a meal with other people, I just got creeped out

Oculus Rift Set to Help Clean Up Bay Area Streets

Oculus Rift developers today announced a new program to give Bay Area Oculus Rift owners the appearance of a middle class and a social safety net. “We worked with Pokemon and Google Maps to let people wear their Oculus headsets in San Francisco and they can walk through the Tenderloin

PhD Founder and Chief Technology Officer Cannot understand why “f*cking idiots” don’t see the value in his technology

Rueben Kushner the founder and CTO of spinout.io cannot discern why prospective customers keep passing on his technology. “Look, the economics are there, our proprietary technology can save companies millions. I don’t know why these f*cking idiots are not buying it. At first I thought it was

Newly Created Accelerator Executive Team Scours Star Trek: TNG Re-runs for The Perfect Accelerator Name

With most of the gibberish names taken for existing accelerators, the executive team of The Valley’s latest faux business fostering entity is watching Star Trek: The Next Generation re-runs to find a name. “Amil used to run lunch-and-learns at MIT’s DeltaV, and Joan successfully bankrupted

Breaking news: area venture partner thinks about doing a TED talk

PALO ALTO, CA — After much deliberation,, area venture partner Brad Hutchinson, 34, has reportedly been seriously considering applying to give a TED talk about his unique perspectives on innovation and entrepreneurship. "Brad mentioned it at coffee yesterday," said longtime associate Jennifer Chen, adjusting her AirPods. "He said

Local Startup Founders Spend 47 Hours Debating Whether Series A Announcement Photo Should Convey "Approachable Couch Energy" or "We Mean Business Office Vibes"

By Crash Windward PALO ALTO, CA — Following a successful $12 million Series A funding round, the three co-founders of productivity app FlowState have reportedly entered their fourth consecutive day of heated deliberations over whether their TechCrunch announcement photo should be taken on their Herman Miller couch or standing awkwardly

Startup Claims Revolutionary AI Technology Is Actually Just Guy Googling Things

By Crash Windward SAN FRANCISCO—In what industry experts are calling "the most honest startup pitch of 2024," local tech company NeuralMind announced this week that their revolutionary AI-powered decision-making platform is actually just a 23-year-old intern named Kevin who Googles things and sends