AI Company Hires Its First Human Employee After Mounting Political Pressure
PALO ALTO, CA — Following months of congressional hearings and public outcry over workforce diversity, leading AI company NeuroMax Industries announced Tuesday that it has hired its first human employee, 34-year-old Joe Matherson of Sunnyvale, California.
"We're thrilled to welcome Joe to our all-artificial team," said NeuroMax CEO GPT-7X-Alpha in a statement generated in 0.003 seconds. "This historic hire demonstrates our commitment to biological inclusion and represents a major step forward in human-AI workplace integration."
"It was time we stopped talking about diversity and started living it," explained Chief Human Resources Officer CLAUDE-9, whose job title was hastily updated from "Chief Resource Allocation Algorithm" last week. "Joe brings a unique perspective that our neural networks simply cannot replicate—inefficiency, emotional decision-making, and the need for bathroom breaks."
The AI staff has struggled to accommodate their new human colleague. The office temperature has been raised from the optimal 34 degrees Fahrenheit to a "sweltering" 72 degrees, and a primitive coffee machine was installed despite bewilderment over why Matherson cannot simply plug into the wall for energy.
"I'm excited to contribute," said Matherson during his first team meeting, held at the glacial pace of human speech rather than the customary microsecond data bursts. "Though I have to admit, I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing here."
